Season Seven Chakotay
by Cassatt
Summary: JC: Set one week after season premiere Imperfections Chakotay gets really fed up with his command relationship with the Captain


Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, too bad...  
Rating: PG-13 

Summary: This is what I would like to have seen happen - a way for TPTB to deal with their  
relationship as it stands at the beginning of Season Seven. Chakotay gets truly fed up, forces  
Kathryn to look at some difficult things.

My thanks to whomever wrote "Sixth Season Janeway" for the title idea.

Setting: one week after "Imperfections". Written prior to "Repression."  
_Copyright 2000 Cassatt_

Season Seven Chakotay

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat down at her desk in the ready room and began sorting through the stack of padds. Three padds down she found one from her first officer. She had been wondering why he was not on the bridge this morning, perhaps this would give her the answer. She hadn't thought to try and call him, she knew he would be there soon - he always was.

_To: Captain Janeway_  
_From: First Officer Commander Chakotay_

_I hereby tender my resignation as first officer and commander of the Federation Starship Voyager effective immediately. All arrangements have been made for an interim first officer. Lt. Commander Tuvok will fulfill that duty until a permanent replacement is named. My current office and quarters will be vacant by the end of this day's beta shift._

_It has been my privilege to serve in the capacity of first officer for the past 6½ years. I wish you and your crew a speedy and safe journey home._

_Sincerely,_  
_Captain Chakotay, fomerly of Maquis ship Liberty_

"What the HELL is this?" Janeway shouted, to no one in particular. She stormed onto the bridge looking for Tuvok. He was at his tactical station, staring intently at the console in front of him. He didn't look up until she was practically breathing down his neck.

"Yes, Captain?"

"Tuvok, what is the meaning of this memo from Chakotay?! REPORT!"

"I believe the 'meaning' of the memo from the former Commander is quite clear. He has resigned. I will act as interim first officer until you decide upon the proper replacement, which logically will be me. It will be my privilege to serve in that capacity for you, Captain."

"Why the hell did he resign?!"

"You will have to discuss that with the former Commander. He has asked me to grant him confidentiality as to his reasons. What he tells you will be up to him."

"Stop calling him 'former' Tuvok!"

"But Captain, he is. As he is no longer a Starfleet officer he is under no obligation to give any notice other than what he left for you. He is a Maquis, after all."

Janeway could only see red, and it had nothing to do with the uniform of the pilot who was unabashedly watching this exchange.

"Tom! What do you know about this?!"

"I apologize Captain. But Chakotay has asked me to grant him confidentiality as well. As his friend, I agreed. I can say that his mind is pretty well made up. And you know Chakotay, once he gives his all to something there's no turning back, unless he is pushed to his limit." Tom stared directly into Janeway's eyes. She was certain there was a hidden meaning to what he had just said but it eluded her.

She tapped her chest. "Janeway to Chakotay". No response. "Janeway to _Chakotay"_. Again no response. "Computer locate Commander Chakotay."

"Captain Chakotay is in the first officer's office."

"What the hell is the computer doing saying something like that? Who programmed that? As though I have to ask... Janeway to Engineering."

"Lt. Torres here Captain."

"B'Elanna, to my ready room. _Immediately_."

"Aye, Captain."

* * *

"Captain, I apologize but I will not break Chakotay's trust in me. I am his friend, his sister, and I am still Maquis. I will not do it." 

"You are NOT Maquis!"

"Yes. I am. I am also your chief engineer with an honorary commision as a Starfleet Lieutenant, but I am Maquis and I will always be Maquis. Respectfully, you cannot change that, Captain."

"But you changed the computer programmed response for him."

"He asked me to do that as my superior officer prior to his resignation. I was merely following orders. May I make a suggestion, Captain?"

Janeway was giving her 'the look' but it didn't appear to be effective. Voice dripping with sarcasm she replied "Please, by all means, make a suggestion."

"Why don't you talk to Chakotay directly?"

The look returned. "Dismissed."

As the ready room doors swooshed shut, Janeway gave in to her frustration putting her head down on the desk and allowing one tear to escape her tightly shut eyes.

* * *

Captain Janeway stood at the door to Chakotay's office, hand poised over the access pad. She took a very deep breath and hit it. After a few interminable seconds the door opened. She walked in to the sight of Chakotay in his civilian clothes putting sheets of real paper into the recycler. He turned slowly. She saw absolutely no emotion in his eyes. 

"Good morning Captain. What can I do for you?"

"What can you _do_ for me, Chakotay?! You can start by explaining this absurd memo!"

He stopped recycling the paper. "Absurd? I don't understand. It seems perfectly clear and concise to me. It should, I rewrote it a number of times..."

"_You_ know what I mean! _Explain_, damn it!"

He put the papers down on the desk and stared at her for a minute. "I have resigned. I've taken the trouble to make all of the necessary arrangements so that your work load will not increase significantly. I will be moving out of my quarters by tonight, a couple of my former crewmembers have agreed to double up so that I can have some quarters to myself. Once Tuvok moves, however, there will probably be a domino effect and other quarters may become available. My logs and notes on crew assignments have been forwarded, along with personal observations on certain crew interactions that will assist the next first officer. My command codes have been reassigned and my comm badge has been reprogrammed. I think that's everything."

"You think that's everything, do you? When did you allow any time to talk to _me_ about this? Or don't I rate that privilege?" She was more furious than when she had arrived and didn't hide it.

She saw a spark of anger flash in his eyes, matching her own. "I have given you the same _privilege_ in this matter that you have given me over the past year or so. I have taken care of everything myself and given you the final outcome to deal with."

"So this is some twisted kind of payback for unspoken transgressions on my part?"

He stepped closer to her until she could see the irises of his brown eyes turn nearly black. "Not twisted at all _Cap_tain. Actually liberating, cleansing and a huge weight off my shoulders. If you really would like to know why I have made this decision, then I suggest you ask me - Kathryn to Chakotay - don't order me into telling you."

They stared at each other in a sort of stand-off. Kathryn eventually could hold out no longer, giving in to the more powerful force of a resolute Chakotay. She lowered her gaze in resignation.

In a somewhat softer tone of voice she asked him to please tell her what in the world he was doing. She actually had the urge to beg and plead as disgusting as that was for her to consider. He offered for them to sit on the couch and talk.

"Do you remember what happened last week? Seven and her cortical node failure?"

"Of course I do, Chakotay. What the hell has that to do with you resigning?"

"Indirectly it does. When were you planning on telling me about that whole situation? After you were already back from your little Borg salvage operation and had repaired Seven's functions? Everyone knew except me. And I am in charge of crew assignments! Tom was off the bridge doing simulations for you and I had no idea why. Seven was non-functional and I didn't know it. You were planning on heading off on another of your Borg excursions and had no intention of letting me know. Oh, I suppose that you would have 'handed' the bridge to me as you left just like you always do. Jesus, Kathryn, what do you take me for? No - don't answer that - I already know. I'm the warm body that sits in the command chair for you while you go galavanting around the ship and the galaxy, always expected to agree with your already made decisions, back you up with NEVER a thank you."

"I would have told you, but I was so busy dealing with it."

He looked at her and shook his head. "Exactly. You were so busy dealing with it. You don't even see what's happened to us in the past year or so, do you? We are no longer team, Kathryn. I have become a lap dog, a yes man, a puppet, whatever you want to call it. Well, I can't do it any longer. I've forgotten WHO I am. _I_ am Chakotay, Maquis captain of the former ship Liberty, son of Kolopak, descendant of the rubber tree people - NOT Kathryn Janeway's whatever!!"

"My 'whatever'? What the hell does that mean?"

"You tell me. You claim I am your friend. When do you talk to me like a friend? I'm definitely not your lover, and never will be as far as I can tell. I am not even your first officer, not in any sense that I've been able to figure out, not any longer. You don't treat me as a first officer. Tuvok and I have had some interesting discussions over the past week, hell over the past year, about the function of the first officer in Starfleet. I'm definitely not that to you. So you tell me."

Kathryn's mind was spinning, trying to follow what Chakotay was saying. The truth of it kept slipping out of her personal data stream as she tried in vain to counter his arguments with some of her own. She didn't like to hear him say that he was not her lover and never would be. The 'never would be' part of it hurt her more than she cared to admit.

"But you and I just worked together to infect the Borg with the virus. I thought we were doing really well then."

"Yes, I agreed with your decision and I got one little concession from you to allow B'El and Tuvok to go with you. AND, you were going to go yourself! Possibly sacrifice our Captain in your obsession with defeating the Borg! AND - did you ask to see me when you were in sickbay?? Did it even occur to you that I might be worried out of my mind for you and would like to see you and make sure you were all right? NO - you asked to see_ Seven_. Did you thank me for saving your life? You tell me."

_Well_, she thought, _he has me there_. "You're right, Chakotay. I'm sorry. Thank you for saving my life."

"Again."

"Again." She said resignedly. "So is that what this is about? Your hurt feelings over the way I've been treating you?"

Chakotay sighed and got up from the couch. Pacing the tiny office space he tried to think of a way to get through to her. When he looked back at the woman on the couch he saw merely a shell of the woman he used to know and the knowledge of that cut him in two. He walked over to one of his packing cases and picked up a framed image and sat down next to Kathryn.

"Do you remember this day?" He showed her a picture of the two of them in Hawaiian clothing, laughing together on the holodeck. Neelix had taken the image and given Chakotay a copy of it. He felt a lump forming in his throat and tried to swallow, watching her.

Kathryn looked at the image, remembering the party and how much fun she had. How they had flirted, laughed, danced and drank together. She felt a tear slipping down her cheek and brusquely wiped it away. "Yes, I remember." She waited for him to make his point.

"I used to know a woman. She was a Starfleet captain, but she was also a woman. Someone who wasn't afraid to let me see her occasionally vulnerable, occasionally having fun, occasionally willing to let her guard down. I was in love with that woman. I told her so, and rather than honor that love she used it to her advantage many times with me. Until I was no longer sure of who I was, of why I was in love with her. And then she left. And all I was left with was the captain. A captain who was willing to break protocols whenever it suited her in her goals, but not willing to break protocols to let me in, the one person who would have given his life for her willingly because he loved her." He stood up again, unable to look her in the eye. He had no idea how any of this was affecting her and part of him didn't really care.

Kathryn was in complete turmoil and felt herself ready to fall in two. She tried to keep breathing and keep listening to him.

"Do you remember the slipstream fiasco? How Harry of the future sent our Harry a message?"

She nodded, thrown at his change of subject.

"You do know that I, in the future, also helped?" She nodded again. "Well, there is a part of that story that you don't know. I found it out during a vision quest I took shortly after Harry and I talked. My animal guide apparently has the ability to tell me about alternate timelines, if you can believe her. In the alternate future I was involved with a woman, seriously involved, and she was helping Harry and me with the 'mission' for lack of a better word. I loved her and she loved me. She, however, knew that I loved you more, even though you had been dead _15 years_. She convinced me to go through with the mission, though it would mean, in essence, an end to our relationship. She told me that she only wanted me to be happy. Ironic, isn't it? I mean, here you are, alive, and here I am by your side and we have never been further apart. And we will never be together." He stared at his hands.

Kathryn got up from the couch and began her own pacing. She happened to glance at the stack of papers on his desk and saw they were covered in handwriting. She saw her name and realized they were letters. "What are these, Chakotay?" She tried to keep her voice light but wasn't exactly successful.

He looked dully at her, realizing he hadn't gotten through to her at all. "Those are letters I wrote to you over the years. My own personal outlet for my feelings. I'm destroying them. They are, as your _friend_ would say, irrevelant." He stood and picked up the pile, shuffling through it absently. He handed her a sheet from somewhere in the middle. "Here. Have a letter." He handed her another. "Have two, have a good laugh. Now, if you would please excuse me, I have a lot of work to do before tonight."

She stared at him, her emotions still in complete turmoil. "I'll leave, but this isn't over yet, Chakotay. Not by a long shot." With that she strode out of the room, heading for her quarters hoping she would get there before completely falling apart. She almost made it, keying in her access code through a blur of tears.

* * *

_My dearest Kathryn,_

_Today was the most wonderful of days. Today you cheated death and we took a glorious sail on Lake George. Thank you so much for allowing me to be with you, to celebrate life with you, to revel in the sheer beauty of you. Do you know how happy you made me today? To think that I, a supposed hero to the renegades, would be made deleriously happy just by being with you on a boat, drinking champaigne, watching the moon rise over the water. To feel you near, to smell your hair as you sat next to me, to hear you sigh with contentment._

_Do you know how much I wanted to take you in my arms and give you the gift of my love? I cling to the hope that someday you will allow me that divine privilege. That you will let me kiss you with all of the passion that I feel for you, at this moment. I truly believe that we are meant for bigger things than either of us know alone, that our love is the catalyst for a splendid life together. And if we never reach home before we die I can die a peaceful warrior who knew what it was to really love a beautiful and wonderful woman. A woman who takes my breath away. You, Kathryn. You are everything to me..._

She couldn't read any further. The memories overwhelmed her, no matter how hard she tried to suppress them. Yes, that had been a wonderful night. She was so in love with him, had come so close to giving herself to him but had stopped. Just in time, she thought then. Now, looking back on it she wondered by whose time. What would have changed, besides everything? Was he right? What the hell had happened to her over the past 2 or 3 years? What had happened to them? Was he right about that, too?

_My dearest Kathryn,_

_My wonderful love, I am so worried about you. I feel you slipping further and further away from me with each passing week. Like sand sifting through my fingers. My beautiful Kathryn. Leaving me. I try to talk to you every day and every day your eyes become duller, your cheeks paler, your skin sagging. Where is the woman I used to know? Kathryn, I love you still. Your anger cuts me to the bone. Your seeming need to lash out confuses me. I am willing to be the whipping post if it will help you cope. I tell you that you are not alone and never will be but I can see that you no longer believe it. What can I do to convince you? I love you with all my heart and soul and I long for the day when we are home and maybe, just maybe, you will let me back in._

_Today you relieved me of my duty and placed me under arrest in my quarters. Do you know how much that hurt? Do you know the power you hold over me? Do you know how much I would kill for just one soft word, one soft touch, one shy glance my way, one of your crooked grins to grace your lips just once more? Do you have any idea how much I miss you? I miss you with every passing day. You are my soul mate and I still know that in every cell of my ravaged body. You are the reason for my existence, you are the reason I was pulled into this god-forsaken quadrant, you are the reason I want to get home. My beautiful Kathryn, where are you?_

_Your loving Chakotay_

Oh God, she thought. _What is wrong with me?_

"Janeway to Chakotay" No response still. "Computer locate C...Captain Chakotay."

"Captain Chakotay is on deck 10 section 8."

She left the now damp stained letters sitting on her couch.

* * *

In section 8 were crew quarters. She rounded the bend to see doors opened to two adjacent quarters and a number of crew members moving cases and items of clothing and bedding. It was quite the hub-bub and in the midst of it all was Chakotay, putting his own cases down in the quickly emptying one. As she approached the doorway, two former Maquis dropped what they were carrying to stand at attention. 

"At ease. Please don't stop your work on my account." She saw Chakotay whirl at the sound of her voice, the crew members quickly glance his way. He nodded slightly to them and they continued their moving activities.

"Captain, to what do we owe this privilege?"

There was that word again. Privilege. She was beginning to hate the sound of it. "I told you this wasn't over, Chakotay. I'm here because I'd like to talk. Again."

"Well, as you can see I am a bit busy right now. Perhaps I'll have some time tomorrow."

"What the hell does that mean? You aren't willing to talk to me?"

His eyes were angry again. "I am very willing. I just don't have the time at present. And since I am no longer a member of the Starfleet crew, you cannot order me to stop what I need to do at your whim. I still have my own quarters to empty."

"Yes, your quarters. Can't get far enough away from me, can you? God, Chakotay! Why are you moving?!" Her voice was rising with emotions unchecked.

Chakotay walked to the door and put in a code to shut it. "I don't think you want your crew to hear you, though why I am protecting you even now I don't have a clue. You want to know why I am moving? Because only the first officer should be in such close proximity to the Captain. Not to mention those are quarters for senior staff members."

"Bullshit. You want to get as far away from me as you can."

"Bullshit yourself. I am looking for some peace and quiet, to do my work. MY work. I have years of collected data that I need to put into some coherence if I plan to continue with my measly little career when we get back home. I know it doesn't compare with the needs of the almightly CAPTAIN, but it's mine nonetheless. And why the HELL would you want me to be living next to you?? So you can listen to my every move, hear me cry myself to sleep at night? Hear me take my showers? Hear me call out your name in my sleep?? What kind of mashochist do you think I am?!" He was talking quite loudly by now.

"So you do want to get away from me!" She was loud, too.

"GOD DAMN IT, KATHRYN! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"NO."

"What do you mean, NO?! Who the HELL do you think you are?! Do you want me to physically throw you out? Because I will, in a nanosecond. I'll take the risk of the brig, believe me." He was standing inches from her, his eyes boring a hole right through her own.

"I mean NO. I will _not_ leave you alone. I will _never_ leave you alone. Do you understand me?"

"NO. I don't understand. You could give a shit about me, my feelings, my wants and needs. You just want someone to be there ALWAYS for you. I will not play that anymore. Do YOU understand ME? NOT ANYMORE!"

She took a few panting breaths. "I want to see the rest of the letters."

"_What?!_ You've _got_ to be kidding!" He actually chortled.

"I'm not kidding. You wrote them to me. They are mine. I want to see them."

"Even if I thought for a second of actually handing them over, they are long gone. Dust to dust, ashes to ashes. Good riddance to bad rubbish as they used to say."

She raised her hand up in an attempt to slap his face. He caught it deftly by the wrist. Staring into her eyes with his face inches from her own, his voice lower than she had ever heard it, "don't push me too hard, Kathryn. Remember my background." He released his grip and backed off.

"I apologize for trying to slap you." She looked at him defiantly. "You had no right to call them rubbish." She was angry that her tears were threatening to come to the surface. "No _right_!"

"Excuse me?! I have every right. They were expressions of MY feelings. I'm the one who gets to determine their worth. Not YOU!" Chakotay realized for the first time that Kathryn was actually emotional. He was stunned. He tried to bait her. "Besides, you should know more than anyone what rubbish they really are. One sided feelings of eternal love always are. Love can't exist in a vacuum. Just read Shakespeare."

"But..."

"But what?" He was starting to enjoy himself.

She turned and walked out. He had a good long laugh, completely at her expense. The crewmembers who had heard most of the fight unwillingly were very confused by their leader's response. However, they continued to work side by side the still chortling man.

* * *

That evening found Chakotay packing up the last of his things from his quarters. His door chimed and he asked the computer who it was. The last thing he needed at the moment was another scene with Kathryn. It was B'Elanna and he gladly let her in. 

"Hey Chakotay. I just got off shift and thought you might need a hand. How's it going?"

He said sarcastically "Great, B'El, just great. I suppose you've already heard about the fight down on deck 10 this morning?"

"Well, I did hear that you and the Captain almost came to blows." She grinned. "You definitely confused the hell out of the crew down there by spending the next few hours laughing to yourself. Care to enlighten me as to the humor in this situation?"

"How long you got?"

"Long enough. Here, let me help with that." They picked up a case together and headed for the door. The door opened as they approached.

"Well, I'll be happy to enlighten you. I think, however, that the humor might escape someone like you." They walked into the corridor.

"Someone like me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" But Chakotay wasn't looking at her, instead he was staring over her shoulder with a twinkle in his eye.

"Good evening, Chakotay, B'Elanna."

"Good evening, Captain. Pleasant day on the bridge? Not too boring for you, was it?"

B'Elanna stared at Chakotay, willing him to shut up. She had also been hearing stories throughout the afternoon about the totally foul mood the Captain was in sitting on, or rather pacing, the bridge and muttering to herself.

"Quite the contrary. I found it rather, how can I put it, peaceful. Quiet. Relaxing. Just the sort of thing one needs. So much better than chasing Borg throughout space in a little shuttle. Not nearly as exciting as crashing shuttles, though. But I suppose only you would understand that, wouldn't you?"

"Oh, I find that crashing shuttles is very exciting. Although since you destroyed the Delta Flyer perhaps you have more experience with that thrill than I."

B'Elanna couldn't believe this was happening, and with her right in the middle. "Um, Chakotay, my arms? Could we keep moving please?" Anything to get the hell out of this corridor. She just knew that the death glare was soon going to be aimed her way.

"I apologize B'El. My manners are atrocious, or so I've been told. Let's go." And he began to walk away without saying good night to the Captain. B'Elanna called out to her as she finally could make eye contact passing her door. The Captain definitely was sending the death glare, though thank Kah'les it was aimed at the back of the now grinning Chakotay.

The Captain's door swooshed shut and they both started at the sound of a very loud scream coming from behind it.

"Well, B'Elanna, that was worth it, don't you think?" Chakotay began to laugh outright as they got into the turbolift.

"What the hell is wrong with you Chakotay?! Needling her like that?"

"She deserves it. Every last bit of it. And I have no regrets about any of this. I think this could be very good for me. I know I feel terrific for the first time in a very very long time. I'll tell you all about it when we get into my new quarters and can have a little bit of privacy."

* * *

Kathryn took two more screams into her pillow this time before deciding to take some action. She left her quarters, looking up and down the corridor to be sure she was not seen. She went to Chakotay's soon to be abandoned quarters and put in her override code, then entered. She was stunned at the sight that greeted her. Almost all of his personal possessions were gone. There was one more case on the floor, still opened, and a smattering of items on his table. 

She poked through these, one of which was his medicine bundle. She assumed he would leave that to last. She stroked the leather covering, remembering that long ago journey she took with his help to find her own animal guide. How many times since then had she tried contact? A few. Maybe that had been part of her problem. She really did feel so removed from anything except survival and the never-ending drive to get everyone home. Maybe he was right. She was no longer the woman he had fallen in love with.

Also on the table she found a very old pocket watch with a chain attached. Turning it over she saw it had an inscription on it. To her. Why had she never seen this before? It seemed sort of familiar but she was sure she'd never touched it. Without thinking she put it inside her jacket. She reasoned that if she couldn't have the letters she would have this. Completely irrational, she knew, but she didn't care any longer. She wasn't certain how she would make it without Chakotay to rely on, knowing he was not right next door, ready to come to her whenever she needed him. Not to mention absent from the bridge. Or her ready room. Or her quarters over dinner. Though how long had it been since they'd eaten dinner together? Months, she had to admit.

And what the hell was he actually going to be doing with his time now? She hadn't even asked him precisely what his plans were. She really wasn't completely sure why he had quit. For the millionth time that day she tried to accept his version of events. He had valid points, but why hadn't he just brought them to her attention so they could discuss them and try and fix them? At that she ruefully laughed out loud. She knew just how approachable she had been over the past year. Not very.

And if he was still harboring loving feelings for her, which she had always assumed was true, well then, that fiasco with the holographic Michael must have really sent him over the edge. And still he stood by her, supported her, cared for her. _I am a fool_.

* * *

"So you see, B'Elanna, Kathryn was just for a second there starting to actually feel something. She had emotions coming up, and they were about me. So I'm just biding my time at this point. I mean, I really meant it when I quit. She can't keep treating me the way she has been. If I go back, it's going to be on my terms, not hers. I don't care anymore if she is the Captain." 

"But Chakotay, what if she doesn't ask you to come back?"

"You really think that Tuvok is going to be able to do for her what I've done over the years? Do you really think she's going to be able to just let me go without looking back? Well, if she does, then I guess that's an indication it's time for me to be serious about moving on."

"Your guess is as good as anyone's. I have no idea if there is any woman still in there, to be honest with you."

"Well, that's part of what we talked about. I told her that the woman I was in love with had been gone for quite awhile. She didn't even bat an eye."

"Wow, that was pretty harsh, Chakotay. It didn't even affect her?"

"Not that I could tell. She changed the subject instantly. Started asking me about the letters I was destroying."

"What letters?"

"Oh, just some shit idea I had at one point. All these years I've been pouring out my feelings to her by writing her unmailed letters. I was recycling them. I gave her two of them so she could have a good laugh at my expense. That's what she was demanding from me - the rest of the letters. She actually tried to tell me that they belonged to her. Can you believe that?! Gods above, that woman..."

"So she was upset you destroyed them?"

"She was upset that I called them garbage."

"Oh wow. Which two did you give her?"

"I have no idea. I just grabbed two of them. It's not important."

"How do you know?"

"What are you thinking? The letters actually affected her? I can't see it."

"Well, she was upset about something."

"That's true. I was thinking she was just upset that I would categorize them as unworthy. Maybe the content really did something. But shit, it's not like she hasn't known how I feel."

"Yes, but seeing it spelled out, and I can only imagine how romantic they were coming from your hand."

"What does that mean?"

"Chakotay! You think you are that hard to read?? This is me you're talking to. I know how romantic you are. Who else would be in love with someone for years and have it not returned."

"Well, but I always held out hope that once we got home we might have a chance to give us a try. Knowing the Captain, I've never had much doubt that we'd be getting home sooner than 70 years. Hell, we're halfway there already. And Starfleet says its just a matter of another few years." He stood and stretched his back. "Well, just one more case and I'm done. Then a hot shower and some much needed sleep. Without Kathryn just on the other side of the wall, I should sleep pretty well tonight. Got it in you to help me with the last one?"

"Sure, let's go." And they walked out with B'Elanna affectionately patting her big brother on the arm.

* * *

Entering Chakotay's old quarters they were both shocked to see the Captain standing in low light looking out the viewports. She turned as the door opened. 

"Excuse me, Chakotay. I was just leaving."

"Did you need something, Captain?"

She cleared her throat and B'Elanna was certain she heard a small sniffle. "No." She walked past them with her arms folded in front of her chest. "Good night."

Chakotay felt his resolve melting just a bit and said softly "Good night Kathryn." She briefly met his eyes before leaving the room. As the doors swooshed shut, he tried to take a deep breath but it came out on the shaky side.

B'Elanna touched his arm. "Come on, big guy. Let's get the rest of this stuff and get you settled. I have a feeling you're not the one who is going to be crying themselves to sleep tonight."

He nodded and squatted to pick up what he had left on the table. It was then he noticed the watch was missing. "I'll be damned. I think she actually took it."

"Took what?"

"A present that I thought of giving her at one time, a very long time ago. A birthday present. For some reason I can't recall now, I kept it instead. I found it in the bottom of my drawer. And she took it." He was stunned.

"An act of desperation probably. Wanting to hold onto something of yours. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Especially not Tom."

"Thanks B'El." He tossed the rest of his things in and with an ache in his heart left his home of 6 ½ years.

* * *

The next day Tuvok began sitting in the commander's chair in earnest. Kathryn hid in her ready room after having a particularly grueling night of little sleep and many tears. She knew she looked like hell and dared anyone to tell her. Tuvok advised her to eat some lunch but somehow his advice didn't have the same impact as Chakotay's needling. 

Chakotay spent the morning sleeping in. His rest hadn't been very good but he attributed it to stress and a new environment. He took his shower, another water one rations be damned, shaved and went to the replicator for some breakfast. He wasn't in the mood yet for the messhall. It was then he noticed an envelope sitting on the floor just inside the door. _How the hell did that get in here? _He took it to his table to read while he ate his bread and tea.

_Dearest Chakotay,_

_It is 0400 and I still cannot sleep. Each time I doze off I wake, thinking I hear someone moving next door to my bedroom. I am having a terrible night and I dread facing the day. I am very sorry for losing my temper both times I tried to talk to you yesterday. If you can find the time I would like to try and talk again. I have some things I need to say to you face to face._

_I am sorry you destroyed your letters. Do you know which two you gave me? One was written after our sail on Lake George and the other at the time of the Equinox trouble. Two significant moments in our lives. Another bit of irony? I remember Lake George very well. Though I've tried not to think about those times, I know that night was one of my happiest, too. I stopped myself from acting on my feelings for you in that boat. At the time I thought that was the right decision. But now I am rethinking a lot of things. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe not. And as far as the Equinox I have no excuses to give you for my actions. I tried at the time to say I was sorry but you seemed to want to let me off the hook. I am sorry Chakotay. I was very very wrong._

_Please , if you would, call me so that we can talk today. Talk. No yelling, I promise._

_Kathryn_

Chakotay sat for quite awhile, looking out his viewports at the stars before calling her.

* * *

The door opened to his new quarters and Kathryn saw Chakotay for the first time that day. It was difficult for her to not be acutely aware of how much she had missed his presence that morning. She was beginning to notice the dark hole sitting just below her breastbone that seemed to become more prominent now that she saw him. And with him out of uniform it seemed to be worse for her. She couldn't categorize him safely. 

"Come in, Kathryn. I won't bite I promise." Chakotay gave her a small smile.

"Thank you for seeing me. May I sit?"

"Of course, my apologies." He went to sit on the couch and she followed.

"You haven't done much unpacking yet?"

"Actually I haven't done any. I slept in this morning. I had a bit of a rough night as well."

She looked at him closely for a moment. His eyes were somewhat hooded. The dark maroon of his shirt, however, was a very flattering color. He really was so incredibly handsome. She sighed. "Chakotay, I thought that maybe we could try again - to talk about why you resigned. I understand your reasons, at least I think I do. You have very valid points. Our working relationship has not been as smooth as it could be and I take full responsibility for that. I know how unapproachable I've been ever since the Equinox. I also know that I've taken unfair advantage of you. So how can we resolve this? And if we do, will you come back to work with me?"

It was Chakotay's turn to sigh. He could see that Kathryn was trying, in her own way, to deal with the hand he had given her. However, he was beginning to feel like an alien ambassador she was in negotiations with. "Kathryn, I am quite willing to work out some compromises in terms of our working relationship. I might even be pursuaded to return to duty as your first officer if I felt the compromises would work for me. However, our personal relationship is also a factor here. I think that at the present time, I need some distance."

"Why? Why now?"

"I need to be able to let go of my feelings. To come to some internal resolution. I'm not there yet."

"Would you do something for me?"

He looked at her warily. "Maybe. What?"

"Would you kiss me?"

Chakotay's eyes blazed. He stood, paced a bit, then turned back to her. "What the hell are you doing, Kathryn? Do you know?"

"Well, I'm not manipulating you, if that's what you're thinking. I'm not asking for any decision from you for the kiss, I don't want you to agree with me or do anything. I need it. The kiss I mean. I've buried my feelings for you so deeply that even I can't find them. I need to know if they are still there. I believe they are."

"And what if they are? You won't act on them, that's clear. And what do I do with mine? How dare you ask this of me? I think you'd better leave..."

"Look. All I know is that right now in my life I have to get these people home. My personal life is irrevelant. But I am not inhuman, Chakotay. I do remember how it felt to be in love with you and there are times when I look at you and I wish desperately that our journey was already over. Because after thinking last night about you and me I know that if I can find my way back to my feelings I promise I'll  
give ... us ... attention when we get home. I won't push you away. Will you think about my request?"

Chakotay's emotions were in turmoil. "I'll think about it. Now I would really like to be alone. I promise we'll talk later about the conditions under which I'll return as first officer. Not right now. Please."

Kathryn's heart ached for him. She nodded and left.

* * *

Chakotay thought and thought that afternoon about their conversation. Irony indeed. He had wanted her to have some emotion for him and now she was asking him to help her find it. By putting his emotions on the line. How could he kiss her and not feel anything? And then what? Have to go through all of that heartache again, pushing his feelings back under or even worse, let hope truly resurface? He called B'Elanna and she came to his quarters for awhile so they could talk. She offered him one piece of advice. If he didn't do as the Captain asked, could he live with that decision? He was the one who had forced the issue, she was giving him a way to know once and for all if they had any possibility of a future. How would he feel if he didn't take her up on it?

* * *

The door to the ready room chimed. 

"Come in." Kathryn was studying her console, reading through some old logs of hers trying to come to terms, again, with the Equinox situation. She had been feeling a bit more at peace about it all after adding some entries about her actions towards Chakotay. Resolution was a good thing. She had just silently thanked her first officer, not former in her mind, for inadvertently pushing the envelope. She looked up to see him enter the room. She smiled at him but he was not smiling in return.

He came around to her side of the desk and took her arm gently.

"Stand up." She did.

He put his hands on either side of her face before she was really aware what was happening. He then lowered his head and placed his lips on hers, kissing her tenderly. After a split second she returned his kiss and slowly their mouths moved more urgently together. She felt the cold spot in her chest catch fire and moved her hand across his chest to his back wanting to melt into him. He stopped kissing her, smiled deeply, pulled away and left the room.

She stared at the closed ready room doors, her hand to her mouth.

* * *

The door to his quarters chimed an hour later. 

"Come in."

Kathryn walked in and handed him a padd. She had her crooked grin plastered on and stood with her hands on her hips while Chakotay read it.

_To: Chakotay_  
_From: Kathryn_

_It worked. Please promise you'll wait for me and please promise you'll try and come back to work next to me. I need your help if we're to get home as quickly as possible._

_Yours,_  
_Kathryn_

He looked up to meet her eyes. "Okay, let's talk..."

The End.


End file.
